Latest Know-It-All Strategy: Sarah Palin is an Idiot Genius Elitist

Another guest submission from Nicole Coulter.

We’re starting to get a little worried. Frankly, you’re just not cooperating with our propaganda efforts. It’s obvious we’re going to have to get even more organized and more serious. Prepare for shock and awe like you’ve never seen before. Our line of attack here at Know-It-All HQ has been to bombard you nonstop with random reasons not to support Sarah Palin: she has small children living at home with her, she graduated from the University of Idaho, and she was “outsmarted” by Katie Couric, former Democratic Senator Sam Nunn, and a team of CBS video editors. How can she possibly run the free world?

These attempts have served us well among the general public, with Tina Fey’s Nobel-Prize-winning satirical work especially valuable in solidifying and sustaining the “Sarah’s not bright” meme. Broadcasting debutante Campbell Brown deserves honorable mention as do the ageless wonders Peggy Noonan and David Brooks for their tireless eye rolls and gratuitous insults. We can always count on a Palin put-down from the fresh-faced George Will and the ever-astute Charles Krauthammer. Traitor Joe Scarborough is one of our key allies of late while unfortunately, geography ace Carl Cameron has lost some of his early anti-Palin zeal, tragically falling off the “destroy her” bandwagon.

But for all our efforts in the “not bright, not serious” meme, wonderful as they are, we’re beginning to realize the law of diminishing marginal returns. Unfortunately, most normal people out there in non-Know-It-All-land don’t read our work nor do they consistently watch our vile programs. “Will who? Krauthammer who? Frum?” are all-too-common reactions in our focus group research. Too many in the electoral hinterlands simply have never heard of that “Brooks dude” or the “Parker lady.” How are we supposed to slander Sarah Palin if you’re not listening to us?

Indeed, the “Sarah Palin phenomenon” doesn’t appear to be fading away any time soon. It may even be growing if our enemy ops reports are correct. There is still too much unsettling “Sarah hope” out there alive and flourishing among the common people – even after 18 months of our unabated bashing. Palin 2012 lipstick-kissed bumper stickers have sprouted up at too many Palin events and her ratings at Fox News are through the roof. With her appearance on the Tonight Show this week, she appears to be going fully “mainstream” – despite our liberal friends’ best attempts to portray her as simultaneously a “bumbling bimbo” and “Hitler in heels.” The more that people see her calmly shredding the foundation of the current administration, and avoiding David Letterman, the more “normal” and “not stupid” she looks – despite our best efforts.

After Handgate, our associates at Huffington Post and Washington Post (which are actually two separate publications) devised what we had hoped would be a fail-safe new strategy to combat the waning effectiveness of the “she’s a backwoods rube” meme. Their new approach? “Sarah Palin is an evil genius, and everyone ought to start taking her seriously.” This played coyly off our original tactic of calling her a radical right-winger. Indeed, “Sarah is a dangerous religious ideologue” had been a perpetually effective talking point to stave off support among those not aware of Alaska’s historic religious indifference. With this new slogan, “And, she’s also crafty as a fox,” we thought we’d continue to scare away suburban soccer moms while faking out a few in her traditional redneck base. We predicted that using reverse psychology on you hicks might just tamp down your sense of moral outrage and undermine the pride you felt in your fellow idiot. It didn’t work. The tact backfired as you began to embrace her even more in the growing nostalgia wave for Mr. Evil Genius himself, Dick Cheney.

The very thought of Dick Cheney sends us into night sweats. Soccer moms, however, reverted to their “security mom” post-9/11 form and started taking a fresh look at “Scary, America-Protecting Sarah.” Even her radical Tea Party speech plea urging leaders to be “more open to divine guidance” could not be spun as a net negative for Lady Nanook of the North. We were foiled again. So we brainstormed here at HQ, and one of our Chicago associates floated our latest novelty tactic: “Hey, how about Sarah Palin – the elitist?” It was out-of-the box brilliant. We knew we could build on it, dredging up the fragments of the memes we’d thrown at you before: she wore expensive clothes on the campaign trail, she once stayed at a four-star hotel in Manhattan, she couldn’t wait to get out of Alaska and head straight to Noblesville, Ind.

It was beautifully simple: the book royalties, the speaking fees, the Fox gig. Yes, Sarah Palin was becoming one of us, completely out-of-touch with her base of supporters, aloofly detached from her bland, horrifying middle-class upbringing. Loaded with cash, charming-to-the-hilt, she was robbing you all blind: winking, smiling, writing notes on her hands with abandon, charging ridiculously outrageous sums for 50-minute speeches – she was laughing all the way to the bank.

Indeed, it fit in so well with the quitting meme, the diva meme, and the “she’s not a normal person, she owns a tanning bed” meme. It may just be our most perfect strategy yet. After all, look at the delicious irony of it: Sarah Palin, the woman who was going to “fight the elites,” had actually JOINED US. Oh my, good. What could go wrong?

Now, we just need you to do your part, and stop “liking” Sarah Palin. Ok?