Nicole Coulter: A Closer Look Inside Know-It-All-Land

More satire from Nicole Coulter...

Some of you are asking some very smart questions. It’s disorienting. So, I’ve decided to stick around. You want to know things, like, “Are you a Republican, Nicole? Where is this Know-It-All-Syndicate of which you speak? What’s the difference between liberal know-it-alls and RINOs?

As my GOP associate, Stockholm Syndrome, has explained to you hillbillies: liberal and RINO know-it-alls share 50% of the same Palin hatred. We both think she’s an ignorant rube. We’re in total agreement on that fact. Where we might disagree is on just how badly we think Palin could destroy America if given the chance.

On the liberal side, from which I’m “recovering,” I can tell you that we see Palin as the walking apocalypse. She is clearly a threat to civilization as we know it simply by waking up every morning. How Alaska has managed to not nuke itself in her reign of misguided terror is truly amazing. We think the state dodged a major bullet when she decided to resign. Nevertheless, she’s a quitter. And we won’t vote for quitters.

On the RINO side, the concern is more insular – what a Palin-led-Congressional takeover or heaven-forbid Palin presidential nomination would do for the image of the Republican party. Would they become laughingstocks forever? Would they have to wear disguises to their cocktail parties, feign accents and pretend to be visiting foreign dignitaries?

On these issues, there is much room for bi-partisan agreement. That’s why we formed the Know-It-All-Syndicate, a bi-partisan think tank, if you will, to save the world from Sarah Palin. Some of you want to know “where” we’re located, the exact nature of our mission and activities, and of course, the names of our members.

We’re not going to tell you that. But we will say that we are everywhere, in the highest echelons of media and government, in universities and public schools. Yes, everywhere there is fear of unbridled patriotism, fear of hockey moms with lipstick, fear of special needs kids, fear of sparsely populated states and fear of moose hunting.

We gather together in huddled masses to protect ourselves from radical free markets, and Tea Partiers. We are the anti-resistance, clinging bitterly to our lattes and our superiority complexes, hoping this hope-and-change thingy turns around soon, and that the little people still continue to believe us when we accuse them of being racist.

We don’t have any official meetings, or a membership list. We pretty much know each other when we see one another on the street, exchange a knowing glance that says: “Palin must be stopped” and then it’s off to work where we labor ceaselessly to convince you that Sarah Palin has no chance, Sarah Palin couldn’t get elected dog catcher, Sarah Palin has no intelligence, Sarah Palin is a joke.

We keep writing all that stuff – pleased when you believe it. The more you cower, the more we smile. For every Palin supporter who says: “I love Sarah, I’d vote for her even if she were a Democrat, but she could never win,” our work is complete.

We provide you with no alternatives but one: Give up on supporting Sarah Palin. On the GOP side, we lament, “Oh, if only there were another Reagan out there. Maybe Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, or John Thune. Well, we’ll just have to keep looking, there’s bound to be someone great out there we can believe in.”

What we hope you won’t realize is that there is someone great out there you can believe in. And not only are we doing everything in our power to destroy her – we’re hoping you’ll help us.