The Palin Rules II

Warning: Satire ahead!

Well, the media are in full meltdown mode. Not only has their blood libel failed to shame Sarah Palin into silence, she’s now come out with both barrels against McWindy’s “I Have a Train” speech.


Didn’t  the Governor get the memo about the new civility code for conservatives, i.e. just shut the freak up?

Yet here she is, fearlessly promoting donut shops and entitlement reform, suggesting that Obama wants to give Americans a case of shingles where the sun don’t shine. Holy Sputnik!

It’s time for our media adolescents to devise some new situational rules, no doubt. In fact, fortuitously, I stumbled upon the following transcript from what I gather was a very recent JournoList conference call. It’s stunning, damning … and completely accurate, if altogether unfairly pathetic. We know how these people think, don’t we?

JournoLister #1: Is it possible for us to just hold our breaths until Sarah Palin goes away forever?

JournoLister #2: No, we simply have to ignore her – for as long as it takes. It’s the only way to prove to the public that she’s irrelevant. Entire news organizations must boycott any news from her.

JournoLister #3: Who are we kidding? … We can’t ignore Palin. Ignoring her would mean no more making up faux  controversies about Palin’s Violations of Acceptable Liberal Narratives on Sputnik or her uncivil and possibly unChristian use of acronyms. Good Lord, if we ignore Palin, the public might then expect us to report on actual news, like the fact that unemployment isn’t budging, gas and food are going up, foreclosures and bankruptcies are still at record highs, and 26 states are now suing over Obamacare, while the feds have issued more than 700 waivers. You’d rather cover that?

JournoLister #2: Good point. Say, I heard that Palin disrespects the flag. Surely, that won’t fly with Tea folk? If we play it right, I think this flag flap, while subtle, could undermine her presidential aspirations. Putting the flag on the wrong side of your fireplace is almost like flag burning, right?

JournoLister #1: Boring. Look, her gorgeous husband apparently is having an affair with a fat “masseuse.” Let’s just go with that, alright?

JournoLister #3: This is all kid stuff. We need something that will actually stick, something that can’t be easily refuted by a common sense reading of the flag code or statements by the Anchorage Police department. We need something … novel.

JournoLister: #2: Well, we already falsely accused her of inciting mass murder. How much more novel do you want?

JournoLister #1: Wait, ok, I know this is a stretch, but bear with me here. Maybe we could start comparing her to Jimmy Carter?

JournoLister #3: But Jimmy Carter was a brilliant nuclear physicist, a Nobel Prize winner.

JournoLister #1: Yes, but the unwashed masses hated him. Because he was a downer. We’ve got to start reminding everyone that despite her cheery personna Sarah Palin is a solar-shingles-hating downer. I know this would work.

JournoLister #2: So then we could implement the highly implausible Reagan-would-have-been-an-Obama fan meme! I can sell that. Shall we get Ron Jr. on the line?

JournoLister #3: Do we have to invoke Reagan’s ghost again? We hated him, remember? We accused the man of sending barefoot children into the streets to die and launching the country into a nuclear apocalypse.

JournoLister #1: Yes, but Americans want to be uplifted. Especially now.

JournoLister #2: Exactly. Reality is for people who can’t handle hopeful platitudes.

JournoLister #1: I love hopeful platitudes.

JournoLister #2: Who doesn’t?

JournoLister #3: But Reagan’s hopeful platitudes actually inspired, um, hope. I’m sorry to say it, but Obama’s inspiring mass nausea.

JournoLister #2: Look, I think I can make this work. Palin’s budget austerity suggestions, while in harmony with the broad goals of the electorate, are depressing. Malaise, I think the Republicans used to call it. Forcing people to face painful truths is a buzzkill. Is that really what we want in a leader?

JournoLister #3: Now you’re talking. Pessimistic Palin doesn’t want us to borrow any more from the Chinese. If her evil plan succeeds, that would prevent us from competing with the Chinese for windmill supremacy. If we don’t make unsustainable investments in unproven, deficit-exploding, crony-enriching green technologies, we can never win the future! A carbon-free, Palin-free future.

JournoLister #2: Mr. Hu, tear down that mall … !

JournoLister #1: Exactly. Hey, how about this for 2012? Reaganesque Obama:  The Future-Lovin’-Money-Annihilating Optimist. That, my friends, is a winning theme.

Sarah Palin: ROTFLMAO!

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I'm a mother of three, and devoted Palin blogger.

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