C4P Security Precautions Due to Indianola

Human Events’ Tony Lee asks an important, indeed profound question via Twitter:

Semi-serious Q: W/ @C4Palin editors descending upon Iowa (hope sans orange beanies), must some editors remain in undisclosed locations?

Due to the privileged nature of Mr. Lee’s inquiry, I can’t delve too far into specifics.  But you can rest assured in your knowledge that we at C4P are well aware of the myriad security concerns that have inevitably arisen due to the fact that much of the top C4P brass will be concentrated in one location this weekend.  These concerns have been the topic of endless discussions extending well into the wee hours of the morning at C4P headquarters. Indeed our “office supplies” budget ran way over the past few months as these issues were addressed.  In an unprecedented move, the super secret benefactor who nefariously funds C4P demanded an explanation for the voluminous shipments that have been delivered to the C4P canteen.

Without revealing too much, the following security steps have been taken.  First, we used a back channel to locate a disgruntled Romney staffer who put us in touch with the agency which provides Team Mitt with the fake secret service agents he uses to protect His Highness from rampaging school kids.  These bruisers (see image above the fold) didn’t come cheap but we were able to persuade our benefactor of their necessity.  These folks will be clandestinely deployed around our people in Indianola and at the Machine Shed Restaurant.  If you see anyone with an orange beanie, dark sunglasses, a fake throat mic, a squirt gun designed to look like the real McCoy, and an unwarranted air of self-importance, it’s most likely one of them.

Second, the sacred scrolls on which the C4P charter is inscribed (in calligraphy) have been spirited abroad and each C4P official who’s not attending the Indianola event has only partial information as to their location.  In this way, no individual C4P member, even if tortured, will be able to divulge just where they’re concealed.  Third, the non-attendees have been systematically removed from their homes and families and widely dispersed throughout the world.  They are in deep seclusion in a situation not unlike that experienced by those in the federal witness protection program.  Each has an 18-month supply of non-perishable food and drink for long-term sustenance should it be necessary.

There are, of course, numerous other costly but necessary precautions which have been taken, but no individual C4P official is privy to them all (see above).  In any event, I’m compelled to assure our readers that all appropriate steps have been taken to ensure C4P’s viability as an ongoing concern, regardless of what happens to our brave officials in Indianola…at least all of the appropriate steps we could think of at 3:00 AM in the ornate, smoke-filled confines of the C4P canteen that is.

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