Over the holidays, the Lamestream Media may momentarily pause from flambéing the President Elect to focus on the important work of fêting our outgoing president.
And well they should!
They’ve spent eight long years propagandizing — and not even a populist revolt should stop their over-the-top, gag-inducing, “end of-an-era” retrospectives. We must brace ourselves people!
But with so many legacy-enshrining accomplishments from which to choose in the Obama years, the press will be hard-pressed to find just a few dozen or so to truly exaggerate. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to help them narrow the possibilities. I’ve summed up all the Glorious Obama Goodness in this handy list and called it …
The Most Important Wonderful Important Achievements of the Obama Era
Obama spawned not one, not two, but THREE grassroots political movements!
Truly nothing bonded us together in the Obama years quite like mutual rage. With the Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street and Black Lives Matter movements, nearly everyone found something to complain about during his two terms. No one felt voiceless or excluded. It was an equal-opportunity national freak out!
Rich, poor, or middle class … our 1st Amendment freedom of expression flourished in this golden era of discontent.
Honestly, if you weren’t ridiculously angry or borderline riotous from 2009-2016, you weren’t really living in Obama’s America: Black separatists, white nationalists, tax cutters, flag haters, flag lovers, Native Americans, cartoon frog advocates and PTA moms all had a place in Barack’s protestor paradise.
It was as if a giant melting pot had boiled over – and a nation found itself coming together on a stove top in one enormous steaming puddle soaked up by a giant Brawny towel called HISTORY!
He saved us from financial collapse.
While we can never forget Bush II left us in horrible shape, it only took Obama about $30 trillion in federal spending over eight years, to spare us from the ravages of the Great Recession. Many of us were rescued not only from the financial burden of ongoing home ownership, but also from the curse of working for a living. Indeed, millions of us stopped looking for jobs, but were buoyed by the fact that we’d been replaced by robots or cheap foreign counterparts. Hey, 99 weeks of unemployment checks didn’t hurt either!
But what we lacked in fiscal opportunities, we more than made up for in the simple serenity of having fewer good options. We grew physically closer to mom and dad during these years.
And not to worry! Our inconceivably high student loan debt made us that much hungrier for socialism – and the opportunity to lash out at tax-paying, job-hording capitalists everywhere — an added bonus of the Obama economy.
He expanded rights for marginalized Americans … including the most marginalized of all:
Tax collectors, long the bane of Americans everywhere, felt their cause and their ranks swell under a sympathetic Obama administration. They felt supported, listened to, and defended against criticism. When the Obamacare mandatax became law, they gained 16,000 more agents to lighten the load. Some even had a front-row seat in the Obama re-election efforts. And meantime the Treasury receipts continually set all-time records – adding to the tremendous feeling of accomplishment.
“What we’ve done in the last eight years is historic,” one IRS agent beamed, noting the reversal of decades of low self-esteem and psychic relief from the accurate perception of being universally hated.
He made us feel hopeful.
With all the high-minded speeches, the Hawaiian vacations, and the endless rounds of golf at some of the best courses in the world, Obama epitomized “calm under pressure.” Americans everywhere – even those on the verge of secession – felt an overwhelming surge of optimism that at some point another president would come along who actually knew what the hell they were doing. No doubt about it: Obama’s cool dignity made us all more confident that moment was coming sooner rather than later. His aloof temperament was a giant relief valve in our collective psyche: If he’s not worried, why should we be? Hope is the belief that someone will eventually fix things. In the meantime, Obama was our bungee cord over a tsunami!
He made us feel safer.
Calm demeanor aside, just knowing that we were not under constant threat of radical Islamic terror, but merely the occasional victims of workplace violence and crockpot malfunctions gave us a profound sense of security in the Obama years. We had a few incidents of alarm – but considering we’re a gun-worshipping imperialist hive of bigotry, it’s to be expected. And when all else fails, surrender! It’s a time-honored defensive strategy.
He made tiny countries great again.
Obama reminded us that at a certain point we’ve made enough money, and even though we may not like it, America is still a super power. So we relished the opportunity to earn less, take a break from world responsibilities, and let the tiny countries like Iran and Cuba assume a larger role on the world stage. Hey, it’s only fair!
He taught us all how to pronounce Pakistan.
Pock-ee-stahn may be a tiny country, and this may be a tiny legacy item, but we’re going to miss this attention to phonetic detail when Obama is no longer the Linguist-In-Chief.
He helped starving children become civically engaged.
Millions of public school kids across America became energized by their new energy-efficient lunches, snapping photos, uploading them to social media, often with the hashtag #ThanksMichelleObama, creating a groundswell of awareness to the plight of the hungry — and bins full of leftover vegetables for our national compost!
He healed the sick.
With Obamacare premiums skyrocketing, many folks just gave up on being sick. They can’t afford it. Isn’t it time we gave Obama some credit, people?
He made the lame walk.
Thousands of Democrats in statehouses, state legislatures, and the halls of Congress were forced into early retirement in massively historic numbers. They just got up and walked their lame butts right out of power!
How cool is that, America?
As Obama might say: “America, you-you-you-you-you-you’re … uh, uh … welcome!”
That’s all folks.
January 20th can’t get her fast enough, right?