How to Tell If You’re a Nazi

<p>Portrait of a young woman on a white background.</p>

The Third Reich murdered around six million people. But these days, let’s face it … it’s easy to get confused and not even realize you’re a Nazi.

Like body odor or a hideous speck of garnish stuck on one of your incisors, your accidental Nazi-ness can lead to incredible embarrassment (and possible bodily injury) as you venture out into mixed company.

So, I put together this handy checklist to let you know for sure if you’re a Nazi. Answering “yes” to any of these eight simple questions provides you with 100% certainty about your odious social standing — regardless of your citizenship, gender, religion, political affiliation, boot preference or feelings about Steven Spielberg films.

Are you a Nazi? Let’s find out!

  1. Do you like low taxes? (If no, skip to #2)

    If you like low taxes, you are definitely a Nazi. Everyone knows that in addition to hating Jews and books – Nazis hated taxes. At least that’s what the Common Core history textbook said. The more taxes you are willing to pay, on the other hand — the more likely you are not a Nazi. Just look at non-Nazi California where citizens fork over some of the highest state income taxes in America to finance open borders, sanctuary cities, eagle-decapitating wind farms and the regulation of cow farts. Trying in any way to de-fund big government makes you a Nazi, or even worse – a Conservative Republican!

  2. Do you want a border wall for protection against criminal cartels, illicit drugs or terrorism? (If no, skip to #3)Regardless of what serious-sounding proposals you may have heard regarding border security from Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, rest assured they didn’t mean it. The fact that you actually want a border wall — and hope to see it built quickly — means you are literally Hitler. And possibly no longer worthy to breathe air. Just a fact.


  3. Are you concerned about illegal aliens taking jobs or raises away from inner-city blacks, legal immigrants – and regular blue-collar Americans?(If no, skip to #4) If you’re concerned about any of the 92 million American citizens currently out of the workforce – or the millions more barely scraping by with two or three part-time crap jobs, sorry – you’re a Nazi. If you weren’t such a Nazi, you’d realize we desperately need boatloads of unskilled immigrants to shore up our economy (and tax base) so we can provide food stamps and housing assistance to the growing number of Americans they replace. Remember, illegal aliens working for peanuts and sending most of it to their homelands is the tide that lifts all boats.
  4. Do you think Obama looks like a doofus on a wind kite? (If no, skip to #5)

    If you don’t like former President Obama’s glimmering swimsuit spread and shark-jumping video (shot in the British Virgin Islands with one of the world’s richest liberals) – of course you’re a racist – and a Nazi.

    Former U.S. President Barack Obama preparing to jump the shark during a holiday with British businessman Richard Branson on his island Moskito, in the British Virgin Islands. #News
  5. Do you want to pause immigration from hostile regions of the world, especially places where they occasionally boil people alive in hot vats of tar, and where their non-existent governments cannot confirm the identities of potential terrorists? (If no, skip to #6)

    Halting immigration for any reason for any amount of time is obviously racist — especially when a Republican president does it. And supporting a ban of any kind does indeed make you a Nazi. Even if you agree to let in 99% of the countries worldwide on H-1B or student visas to — work in your tech job or take your spot in medical school– the fact that you would inconvenience people from countries with no central governments for 90 days just to make sure they don’t shoot up your next work party — makes you a Nazi.

  6. Are you worried about school overcrowding and financial strains on public services from unchecked immigration? (If no, skip the rest of this test. You’re probably not a Nazi.)Everyone knows prioritizing your own country’s needs ahead of the citizens of other nations is like sending those huddled masses directly into gas ovens. If your kids aren’t learning because their school is speaking 43 different languages, I’m sorry to say: that’s your fault for having kids in the first place. Likewise, if U.S. veterans don’t want to die waiting in line for the healthcare they were promised, they should move to the island paradise of Cuba so we can welcome more needy veterans from Syria, Iran, Libya, Yemen, Iraq, Somalia and Sudan.

  7. Are you in favor of free speech which might include mocking Hollywood actors and defying political correctness every chance you get, even on college campuses in deep blue America?

    Free speech is not allowed — because you’re a Nazi.

  8. Can you laugh at yourself?Yes? How fascist of you.

Editor’s Note: If you still find yourself confused after reading this amazing and thorough checklist, just remember one simple rule that works in every situation:

If you disagree with a regressive, you’re a Nazi.:

 



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